BDSM For Beginners

“I want to try BDSM.”

“How do we get into BDSM?”

“What does BDSM even mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we can find a BDSM guide.”

This conversation or some form of it probably sounds familiar. After Fifty Shades of Gray, so many people wanted to try BDSM. The most frequently asked questions of beginners is “What does BDSM mean?” First, BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism. Hearing those words all by themselves can be intimidating for those who normally have vanilla sex, let alone be able to perform the related actions.

Domination & Submission and Sadism & Masochism have a very strong psychological component, therefore they are not the best place for a vanilla couple to begin exploring BDSM. Bondage & Discipline, however, is a bit easier to experiment with but it will still leave you asking the question, “What is bondage?”

Bondage, simply put, is the art of restraint therefore it doesn’t have to involve ropes or handcuffs or a gray silk tie like most so many fantasize about. A bear hug or a firm grasping of the wrists whether in the front or back, make it difficult for your partner to move their arms thus restricting their movement. Pinning your partner to the wall by placing your arms on either side of them, also creates restriction. From this vantage point, you can get close enough to smell each other, to feel the heat and breeze of your partner’s breath. The build of energy between you becomes palatable and arousal begins to peak.

Discipline, in a mature BDSM relationship, can take on the form of punishment but for a beginner or vanilla couple, it can have more of a playful connotation. You can roleplay with one of you taking on an authoritarian role while the other assumes the role of someone needing discipline for being disobedient. It may feel silly at first but if you discuss your characters in advance of the moment, its not so awkward later.  When you tell your partner to stand naked in the corner and then torture them will pinches or kisses and require them to remain perfectly still, they won’t find it strange. Or if you’re feeling especially kinky, you put them over your knee and spank their bare ass, the pleasure and excitement will grow because you both knew what to expect.

And then there are the tools of the trade – floggers, whips, paddles – just to name a few. Deciding what to buy can be extremely scary and embarrassing. Thank goodness just about anything in the house can be improvised to spank, paddle or restrain. The smack and sting of a wooden spoon on the ass and thighs followed by the gentle grazing from a feather duster or the cold wet feel of an ice cube can ignite the senses.

There are many BDSM ideas for beginners, but by first eliminating props or traditional BDSM toys, you take away the barriers to having your first BDSM experience. With the understanding of what BDSM means, you demystify what may have felt intimidating or complicated. With proper knowledge, BDSM can fit into your sexual experiences in a way that feels good to you and your partner no matter what your sex style.